Work work work work

Summer should be a time of relaxation, recuperation (from months in doors, stuffing entire text-books into our brains), and sleep. Blessed, peaceful sleep. Unfortunately, as an IMG, I don't have the option to do these activities that most of my course mates are likely enjoying. I guess I didn't think about the consequence of everything when I decided to attend an overseas Medical school. Who really does? When the adrenaline is high, and the sense of achievement unbelievable. Then after thorough look at forums, and speaking to other students, one realizes: the real work is just beginning.

I do have it much better than many, and I need to keep reminding myself of this. Many bright people worked like mad throughout undergraduate degrees, perhaps do not receive a position in Medical school for whatever reason, and has to work all the harder for the next few years to try their luck again. I am therefore lucky. Just 3 more years, and hopefully it will work out.

It is a bit funny how Medical education seems to be mostly some type of lucky draw. They say for every position in medical schools in Canada, there are 4 equally qualified applicants. So what determines who wins the draw? Many of my friends at home has been successful on their first application. I am envious of them, that their lives seems to be going so smoothly, while I have to fight for a way back home. But I am starting to see the errors of my thinking. They have already fought their battle and won, in a system where much is dependent on luck. Compared to them, I don't think I would have made it in the Canadian system. I am lucky to have a place in a program that has helped me address many of my weaknesses, and offers me an opportunity to learn. Now it is time for me to fight. And work.

Worst exams ever. that is all.

It's been two days from my exams, and I am still recovering from the shock of it all. I had a long cry over skype with my mother about how badly I'm sure I did, even after spending over a month revising. You'd think that if I could get 90's after reading notes once before Medical school, I shouldn't be suffering so much. At this rate, even if I somehow passed, it wouldn't be by very much. I mean the first time I went through the papers, I could only answer 30-50% of the questions. How ridiculous is that?

I've been thinking about my mistakes, and have been talking with other doctors and students about how they manage to remember so much information and details, and I realized some flaws in my studying:

1) I don't actually know how to learn knowledge.

I mean, I got good grade before, but other than math and physics, I usually only studied for a day or two before my exams. High school was ridiculous where I would not even remember we had tests/quizzes and would actually study frantically in the hallway just before class and still give 90+. Those days are obviously over, and I realized that, so I put in the work this time around. But not really knowing how to study so everything goes into my long-term memory, I freaked out, and just tried to read through my notes over and over (3 times to be exact). But in that process, I didn't really commit too much to my memory. I didn't review what I learned on previous days to make sure I still remembered them, I didn't try to commit things like what cytokines and cell cycle molecules and muscles and nerves and blood vessels to memory until a few days before the exam. And then it was too little too late because in medicine, there is just way to much information. My notes for this semester alone was 5 inches thick, plus 3 inches from last semester.

2) I panicked in the exam

I saw the first question and my mind shut down. This caused me to think I didn't know anything, and even to misread a few questions. Also, I was so shocked from my first exam, I didn't know what to do for my second. I reasoned I could rely on some maths to get me past, except this year, they made an exception and took out all the life saving math questions. Just my bloody luck. But panicking and thinking I couldn't do it was the most detrimental thing in this I believe.

3) I am useless at organizing time and sticking to it.

Don't get me wrong. I did make a study schedule. But did I follow it? NO. Why? Because I scheduled too much in for each day and couldn't get through everything that I needed to in the time I gave myself. Which lead to tons and tons of stress in the week before the exam where I think I didn't even learn anything.

4) I've never studied over long periods of time before because there was never any need, so I couldn't figure out how to revise everything the last day.

I mean previously when courses were broken down, I could make sure I refreshed everything in my brain just before the exams. Or I'd read, go to sleep and regurgitate everything the next day without fail.

But it was impossible to finish going though my notes at a reasonable speed even over 2-3 days, so I wasn't sure how to deal with it all I guess.

If I fail this, I won't be able to do my summer job anymore. And I'd have to revise 10x harder because the resits are 50/50 from semester one and two. I really don't know what I'm going to do. But can't do anything until next week....and for now, lesson definitely learned. I'm trying to search up how I can change my learning methods to be more effective. Basically, more discipline, and more revision after trying to memorize something, and not just leave it and think I've remembered it.

38 hours until death

So I am very tired right now and stressed, and this will unlikely to make much sense. But for those pre-meds who are looking at medicine, be forewarned, prepare your self for the grind of it all. I had imagined medicine to be a glamorous thing, where I'd be in charge and sailing. Little did I realize how big of a hole I've dug for myself. After 2 weeks of intense cramming and more study before this, I still feel so unprepared for my finals this year. This does not bode well for my future as a doctor.

It has also made me wonder how I can ever be in charge of the well being of others when I can't even get my antibiotic classes straight at this time. Let alone the cancer drugs, and the anti-virals. Oh and don't forget the anti-psychotic drugs (my favourite....). Anyways, a little rant before I put in many more hours of cramming. This time, I really will do it differently next year.... I must think of the patients....

Miffed

I don't even know if I spelled that right. But I am miffed. Miffed that my flatmate is doing more work than me. Miffed that I seem to be so un-proactive. Miffed that I haven't been more proactive. Miffed that I was bumped out of a position on a committee because someone else gave a much longer speech. Miffed.

But then I think, I have done things that are well, I haven't completely slacked off and done nothing. Kind of... [cough cough] I just need a bit better time management skills. Like right now, how I'm writing on here when I should be revising for finals.

I can't believe I've actually started using so many British terms lately. No! Where is my Canuck pride? Must stop saying revision. But for a Canadian away from home, it's hard to stay the same when no one understands you when you use the term 'washroom'. Be warned! For all you Canadians looking to come over to UK, learn your terms! Because I sure didn't.

I might not dedicate this site to my experiences in UK, so that any Canadian/North American students out there looking to come study here can see how life is across the pond. I guess I can also document how my progress is going, how I'm preparing for exams (USMLE, Canadian exams, etc) when the time comes. I know there are lots of sites out there, but most seems to be by American students in the Caribbean, so maybe I can fill some void some where in between?

Maybe the blog will be less about my rants and more about more important things in life. And maybe my writing will improve along side. I can only hope.

Cheers! (I can't believe I'm even using Cheers now)

Life is much easier when you know what you want

I may be stating an obvious fact here, but seriously, I never realized how painful it is to 'keep your options open' until this point. I had to make some tough decisions these two weeks. Should spend summer in England or go home. And if I go home, who should I work with? My friends always tell me 'at least you have choices'. But they don't know that for someone who don't have especially strong feelings for anything, and enjoys everything, decisions are the ultimate torture. At least if I was passionate about something, I would throw myself into it like some of my friends. But no, I don't really have a passion for anything. At least not yet. There lies the problem.

If I was a successful blogger, I may go into how one should make tough decisions. However, I am not, nor do I aspire to be one, therefore I probably shouldn't share how I make my decisions. Well maybe I will. I skype my parents, and discuss with them. Which almost invariably ends up with me following their advice. Really, I often question how I ever got into medschool. Hopefully in the next 3 years, I can grow up more and learn how to make decisions. Which really goes to show, medicine is such a game of chance. If you got lucky and impressed some interviewers, you're in. And in a few years, they expect you to make life or death decisions. So if anyone is still reading, I guess the gist of this post is my questioning whether I will even be a good doctor when I can't even decide for myself what I should do this summer.

I want to apologize to all my possible future patients and advance. I'm working on it!

Yesterday, we received the marks for one of our two big assignments this year. This one is similar to another large report we wrote in our first year. They even have very similar marking schemes. You would think that since it's the practically the same assignment with a different focus, I would do well on it. That did not happen. Which goes to show another super subjective aspect of medicine. A part of the report that I got high marks for last year was criticized to bits this year by one of my markers. I really won't go into depth of all the strange remarks I got. Perhaps I am freaking out a bit. I mean, at least I passed. Now all I have to do is pass my OSCE and final, and I will passed the year. Woot.

One step at a time.

Plastics - the art of molding

When away to a plastic surgery conference recently, and boy did it turn my ideas of plastic surgery upside down. I always thought plastics was mainly for aesthetic purposes, but little did I know how much is truly involved and how it can be so powerful. Sure I had some idea that it's not purely boob jobs and nose jobs, but when that's all we ever hear in the news, that's what you associate plastic surgery with. There were a series of lectures at the conference, and although I can't remember any great details, there were some pretty sweat pictures. Allow me to be a gawking child for a moment here. I had no idea you can transplant hands/limbs!! Wow. The skill it must take to attach a foreign limb to a person, with all the intricate muscles, not to mention nerve fibres literally blows my mind. There were other techniques that were extremely interesting, but not being a scholar of words, I leave it at this. Now I'm still unlikely to ever want to do surgery, but this is some pretty sick stuff they are doing. My wonder at and interest in medicine has officially been slightly revived for the time being.

In this Medical school game, it seems like I am not a good player

So, just found out I got rejected from a summer scholarship at home. This truly bites, big time. This sucks like finding out you have just failed your final. And the game of trying to find a supervisor this summer is sucking even worse, with each email of rejection, it's like I'm getting another door slammed in my face. I don't even know why I bother. I just want to be a student and not worry. Is this too much to ask? But then again, I don't really want to study most of the time either, unless I'm supposed to do an assignment instead. Anyone care to tell me what the heck is wrong with me? Maybe I really did pick the wrong profession. I'm definitely not good at this game of medicine. Maybe I don't want it enough. Maybe.

The Immune system is our mafia family

I was watching the Kaplan videos on the immune system to study, because our lecturers at the medical school are absolutely useless in this subject (and quite a few others, but I won't go on). I vaguely remember the lectures as being right over my head, and the power point to be mind boggling confusing. This caused me to hide from even touching the notes for well over a month. Which is nothing new, except in this case, I might as well not have gone to the lectures.

So I gave up even trying to recap the university lectures and has gone straight on to Kaplan. I think some reviews about Kaplan are not that great, but this lady (I forget her name) is actually making me want to learn about the immune system like I actually care. I like how she says the immune system totally makes sense if you imagine it as your mafia family. It's aim is to kill foreign things that piss off the family (host). It is executed to precision, i.e. it only works when it has too, and turns off when it's not needed. And damn can it hold a grudge.

So that's my poor attempt at a blog not on ranting for once. Hopefully my writing improves overtime. Having a doctor that's awful at writing scares even myself sometimes.

Digging my own grave

So many things in my life could probably have occurred differently if I haven’t dug my own grave with my bad habits. When most people think of medical students, they probably think self assured, proactive, brilliant. Somehow, I don’t think I fit any of those descriptions.

I’m never sure of my actions, my work, my performance. I frequently want to (and do) avoid things I’m not sure about. Which adds up to a lot of things. And I am definitely not brilliant. But I think the avoidance factor probably costs me the most. As far as opportunities go. Today I was emailing professors back home to see if I can get a summer position. As was my story for the past 3 summers, I’ve started too late. I’ve been putting this off because of uncertainty, and now, it’s probably too late.

Do I really never learn? When will I figure out that avoiding things doesn’t make things better, and just digs a deep deep grave for my self. And possibly my future.

Recently I’ve met so many truly inspired medical students who go out of their way to get things done, to help out, to seize opportunities, and enjoy working hard. It’s made me reflect a lot these days, and the changes I want to make in my life.

New Year! 2011 Here we are

New years day and I can't help but feel slightly depressed. What have I done this past year? Not much really. Maybe 2011 will be my year to gain some maturity. Some substance maybe? My parents keep telling me I need to be quicker. As in speaking wise, thinking wise. But what if it's something I can't change. Maybe I just speak slower than other people and have more trouble articulating myself. Maybe if I read enough, watch enough news, practice enough, I can be what they expect.

What will 2011 be like I wonder. Will I meet a special someone, or get better grades, or start working hard? Maybe I just need more focus. Yes, that's it, focus.